If the movie Challenges It has taught us something, that is to make a maddened friendship. It’s the difference between having a friend who can motivate you to work hard and a competitor who always feels the need to beat you (and sleep with your wife).
The experts have spoken GQyet they affirm that it is not always easy to distinguish between the healthy friendship of the authors and the harmful, especially men, who are usually engaged in company from an early age.
Where is the method?
Competing is going to be a part, if not the foundation, of many friendships. “Healthy tension is one of the main ways we bond and remember, especially people,” says the therapist Nick Fager, LMHC, LPCC.
“For many people, it’s a comfortable way to relate to others, because the flip side is being vulnerable and open, and relationships aren’t often,” he adds. Frederick Rabinowitz, PhDpsychologist and manhood expert who has led groups of men for more than 40 years.
If this is true, it is important to be able to have friends in times of need and to have serious conversations with experts, and experts emphasize that not all friendships need to be deep. You can have competitive friendships, depending on the comparison: games, challenge bars, PS5. There is nothing wrong with it.
Master and practitioner of Clarity Consulting Seattle, Justin Pere, LMHC, CST, CGTHe also argues that healthy friendships related to the career of the authors.
The problem arises when competition overflows into areas of life you didn’t set out to compete for. “You might find that you have a conversation where it’s like a competitive dynamic, ‘I’m better than you because I did this.’ This is a very different thing,” says Dr. Rabinowitz.
Experts have suggested some questions to determine if things have become harmful: Does the friendship make you feel bad about yourself? Do you still trust your friend? Do you even celebrate each other’s victories? Do you enjoy spending time together? If you answer any of these questions, it could be a sign that things are bad.
What to do too competitive friend
According to experts, when dealing with people of this type you have two options: burn the relationship or talk to them directly. If you want to keep the friendship, surely there is another option to follow.
Dr. Rabinowitz says it’s best to be direct: “You can just say, ‘Hey, man, we don’t always have to compete.'”
What if you were the one who couldn’t help but turn everything into a struggle? According to Dr. Rabinowitz, a serious look is worth the impact it can have on your friendships. “One sign that you’re pushing people is that they become very quiet after you say something,” he adds. “If you see that your friends do not respond to you much, it means that they are holding back and are not putting in the effort because they do not want to compete with you.”
To indicate that the author is not a bad person. Total commitment to everything you do is a positive trait. But if your competitive nature gets in the way of your ability to trust and get to know your friends, it’s a sign that it’s emerging in the wrong ways.
Dr. Rabinowitz explains how working with a therapist can help you understand the causes of this part of your personality. For example, how do you feel as a child that you need to prove that you are the best for your parents? Have you been attacked by your siblings? “Depressed people often hide their feelings from themselves by exaggerating, so that they feel bad about some situation,” adds Dr. Rabinowitz. These are just a few aspects of being highly competitive that the doctor says often don’t surface until you get into therapy.
A little healthy competition does not put our friendship at risk. But if it’s not fun and makes us feel bad, it shouldn’t be pursued. Sometimes even if you win, you lose.
The article was first published GQ US